Did you miss me when i was gone?
6.21.2010
6.17.2010
6.12.2010
day eight
ugh. idk.
i had a good day yesterday. So i suppose thats good.
Mark didn't call like he said he would. but whatever.
i, miranda martinez...went out of my way...to apologize to someone that i really don't think i'll ever get along with. like sincerly apologized to the girl and she didn't have anything to say.
Like. i liegitly felt bad for the things i said to/about her. Like. Whatever.
I'm sick of never getting any actknowledgement for anything good i do. But everyone in my life is here to point out all of the fucking mistakes i make.
and on top of that...my consoler is moving away. after like 2 years, hes leaving.
So thats really shitty that i have to start all over again with some new guy.
i want connor. :'(
He'll know what to say.
Idfk what to do. and once again...Marcus. Not here.
go figure.
i had a good day yesterday. So i suppose thats good.
Mark didn't call like he said he would. but whatever.
i, miranda martinez...went out of my way...to apologize to someone that i really don't think i'll ever get along with. like sincerly apologized to the girl and she didn't have anything to say.
Like. i liegitly felt bad for the things i said to/about her. Like. Whatever.
I'm sick of never getting any actknowledgement for anything good i do. But everyone in my life is here to point out all of the fucking mistakes i make.
and on top of that...my consoler is moving away. after like 2 years, hes leaving.
So thats really shitty that i have to start all over again with some new guy.
i want connor. :'(
He'll know what to say.
Idfk what to do. and once again...Marcus. Not here.
go figure.
day six
i've been doing alot or realizing latley.
and its kinda bothering me.
i've realized, if he really cared and loved me as a friend like he says he does, then he WOULD go out of his way for me. He wouldn't yell at me. He wouldn't intimidate me. He wouldn't really treat me like he does if he was really me best friend. i've spent over a year trying to earn respect from this guy, and if i still am not getting it...then i don't think i honestly ever will. I wish he could know how i felt. But the only problem is i can't go. i can't not be friends with him, theres no possible way in my power that i can do that. He can't either. It bothers me that he nevfer apologizes for anything he does. He never seems to show emotion, even when i almost die...he can't even ask me if im okay. Im supposeably his 'best friend'...(well idk about that anymore.) you'd think he'd be happy to know i was okay. You'd think maybe he'd miss me just a little bit. This makes me sound needy. But if you knew me, if u knew him like other people did...you'd understand. its not that i'm needy, im just constantly unsure. and he never gives me reassurance that i'm ever doing anything right. and i try, i try to do everything i can. but its hard, cause i'll always find a way to fuck up. it makes me sad to think that hes something different than he actually is. it really bothers me to have to deal with him. He wasn't always like this and thats why i was his best friend in the first place. idk why he decided to be so different, and like the only person hes ever really himself with is never me. he doesnt know how much i try. i wish it was me though. He can never be wrong. he can never listen. he can never see that sometimes....he fucks up too. and even when he does. He doesnt care. He won't care if he makes me cry. he won't care if somethings wrong with me. he won't care about anything.
But i'm there. im still here, constantly caring about anything that happens to him. im here, for him to tell anything to. im here to be his best friend whenever he needs me too. he knows i care. he knows i'll never go anywhere. he knows he can always talk to me.
do you know why he knows that? why he has all that reassurance and hes content with it?
because i tell him. i tell him all the time. i let him know that he'll always have me as a firned. i tell him all the time.
but i don't have that. i never know anything. i hate not knowing where i stand in his life. i wanna know where i come in so i can know what to feel. and when all he does is throw negitive things at me, and avoid me, and ignore, and delete and erase and everything else...its hard to really know if he really wants to be my best firned, or if hes making himself. idk what to think. ever.
and its really hard. like...what if i needed to talk to him. he'll know. right away what to say.
he knows me better than anyone in this world. and if i ever needed help, if i ever lost control and exploded...hes the only person that can calm me down. he knows how to handle me. but. like right now.
i really just need to talk to him....
and like i said. Hes not here.
and the only problem i have...is that he doesn't see this. he doesn't take the time to understand this. or maybe he does. maybe he knows, hes known all along...but just doesn't do anything about it.
idk.
i can't think right now. and like i said...hes not here. like a best friend should be. ):
and its kinda bothering me.
i've realized, if he really cared and loved me as a friend like he says he does, then he WOULD go out of his way for me. He wouldn't yell at me. He wouldn't intimidate me. He wouldn't really treat me like he does if he was really me best friend. i've spent over a year trying to earn respect from this guy, and if i still am not getting it...then i don't think i honestly ever will. I wish he could know how i felt. But the only problem is i can't go. i can't not be friends with him, theres no possible way in my power that i can do that. He can't either. It bothers me that he nevfer apologizes for anything he does. He never seems to show emotion, even when i almost die...he can't even ask me if im okay. Im supposeably his 'best friend'...(well idk about that anymore.) you'd think he'd be happy to know i was okay. You'd think maybe he'd miss me just a little bit. This makes me sound needy. But if you knew me, if u knew him like other people did...you'd understand. its not that i'm needy, im just constantly unsure. and he never gives me reassurance that i'm ever doing anything right. and i try, i try to do everything i can. but its hard, cause i'll always find a way to fuck up. it makes me sad to think that hes something different than he actually is. it really bothers me to have to deal with him. He wasn't always like this and thats why i was his best friend in the first place. idk why he decided to be so different, and like the only person hes ever really himself with is never me. he doesnt know how much i try. i wish it was me though. He can never be wrong. he can never listen. he can never see that sometimes....he fucks up too. and even when he does. He doesnt care. He won't care if he makes me cry. he won't care if somethings wrong with me. he won't care about anything.
But i'm there. im still here, constantly caring about anything that happens to him. im here, for him to tell anything to. im here to be his best friend whenever he needs me too. he knows i care. he knows i'll never go anywhere. he knows he can always talk to me.
do you know why he knows that? why he has all that reassurance and hes content with it?
because i tell him. i tell him all the time. i let him know that he'll always have me as a firned. i tell him all the time.
but i don't have that. i never know anything. i hate not knowing where i stand in his life. i wanna know where i come in so i can know what to feel. and when all he does is throw negitive things at me, and avoid me, and ignore, and delete and erase and everything else...its hard to really know if he really wants to be my best firned, or if hes making himself. idk what to think. ever.
and its really hard. like...what if i needed to talk to him. he'll know. right away what to say.
he knows me better than anyone in this world. and if i ever needed help, if i ever lost control and exploded...hes the only person that can calm me down. he knows how to handle me. but. like right now.
i really just need to talk to him....
and like i said. Hes not here.
and the only problem i have...is that he doesn't see this. he doesn't take the time to understand this. or maybe he does. maybe he knows, hes known all along...but just doesn't do anything about it.
idk.
i can't think right now. and like i said...hes not here. like a best friend should be. ):
day four
first problem. I lost my mother fucking cigarettes. That I JUST fucking got.
second problem, everyone I associate with. My friends always stress me out, I didn't even realize it until I got out.
one of them doesn't seem to care at all.
the other CAN care, but choses not to.
the other, only care when he has to, otherwise it's just easier not to.
like, for some reason they all irritate me, theyre , annoying, maybe isn't the right word but idk. It's hard to see why I'm friends with any of them.
I love them, don't get me wrong, just they piss me off.
ugh, and like ): I'm just upset and I wanna cry at mark cause I missed him so much and he's the only one I didn't really talk to yet. I got to see ethan and nikk right when I got out and we hugged and it was cute and there were tears or joy and shit. Idk.
and when I did talk to you for like 5 min, we were both busy and I couldn't really say what I wanted to say. And I feel like your really mad at me or something, and I got your message and that indirectly ment alot :/
idfk. I feel so different than I did before, I feel like rhat fucking place changed me, idk if it's good or bad.
then there's HER! Were not even gunna get into it. Enoigh said.
and then this other chick who does nothing but bitch at me whenever I get on myspace. I love the girl, don't get me wrong. But if nothings gunna happen, I'm not gunna waste my time hurting myself by trying to be her friend.
I wish I had my other friends. I wish I had cheynne. Robert. Jake. Michale. Lundy. They'd know what I should do. I wish I could ask them.
I wanna go back. I'm sick of the shit I have to deal with when I'm here, I'll find a way to go back. :/ I need too.
second problem, everyone I associate with. My friends always stress me out, I didn't even realize it until I got out.
one of them doesn't seem to care at all.
the other CAN care, but choses not to.
the other, only care when he has to, otherwise it's just easier not to.
like, for some reason they all irritate me, theyre , annoying, maybe isn't the right word but idk. It's hard to see why I'm friends with any of them.
I love them, don't get me wrong, just they piss me off.
ugh, and like ): I'm just upset and I wanna cry at mark cause I missed him so much and he's the only one I didn't really talk to yet. I got to see ethan and nikk right when I got out and we hugged and it was cute and there were tears or joy and shit. Idk.
and when I did talk to you for like 5 min, we were both busy and I couldn't really say what I wanted to say. And I feel like your really mad at me or something, and I got your message and that indirectly ment alot :/
idfk. I feel so different than I did before, I feel like rhat fucking place changed me, idk if it's good or bad.
then there's HER! Were not even gunna get into it. Enoigh said.
and then this other chick who does nothing but bitch at me whenever I get on myspace. I love the girl, don't get me wrong. But if nothings gunna happen, I'm not gunna waste my time hurting myself by trying to be her friend.
I wish I had my other friends. I wish I had cheynne. Robert. Jake. Michale. Lundy. They'd know what I should do. I wish I could ask them.
I wanna go back. I'm sick of the shit I have to deal with when I'm here, I'll find a way to go back. :/ I need too.
day three
ever since i got home, the only person that makes me feel like i matter is ethan, connor and a bunch of other random people at my school.
I guess i'm just really upset with the other 2.
i'm trying not to care and just blow it off but its really difficult.
they always tell me they love me and i mean so much to them and this and that, but when it comes down to it...they'd rather party then see if i'm okay.
i guess i understand marcus. cause i know what he'd say otherwise, but its like...blehhh. i know him, and i HAVE to be okay with it when he does it. He won't tollerate me 'bitching' about it. so i just have to e patcient with him, but its really hard since i've missed him so much :/ all i want it just to talk to him. i mean, yeah i already did...but he was busy and so was i and like...blehh. if he didn't care i just wish he would tell me so that i wouldn't try so much. : there so much i wanna say to him, but...i have to say it in a certain way so he won't get mad.
as for nikk. idk, i guess my expectations were too high? : ehh
idk. maybe, i forgot about the real life let down of friends that i really have. it makes me regret the way i missed and thought about them when i was gone.
whatever i guess.
having breakfast with my mom, then nothing, then taking my brother out for lunch for his birthday. then nothing.
i'm kinda glad i'm not seeing my friends today.
I guess i'm just really upset with the other 2.
i'm trying not to care and just blow it off but its really difficult.
they always tell me they love me and i mean so much to them and this and that, but when it comes down to it...they'd rather party then see if i'm okay.
i guess i understand marcus. cause i know what he'd say otherwise, but its like...blehhh. i know him, and i HAVE to be okay with it when he does it. He won't tollerate me 'bitching' about it. so i just have to e patcient with him, but its really hard since i've missed him so much :/ all i want it just to talk to him. i mean, yeah i already did...but he was busy and so was i and like...blehh. if he didn't care i just wish he would tell me so that i wouldn't try so much. : there so much i wanna say to him, but...i have to say it in a certain way so he won't get mad.
as for nikk. idk, i guess my expectations were too high? : ehh
idk. maybe, i forgot about the real life let down of friends that i really have. it makes me regret the way i missed and thought about them when i was gone.
whatever i guess.
having breakfast with my mom, then nothing, then taking my brother out for lunch for his birthday. then nothing.
i'm kinda glad i'm not seeing my friends today.
day one
Bad choice number 1:
over reactting and taking my emotions out of drugs.
Bad choice number 2:
Smoking so much, JUST when i got out. sober up. :P
Bad choice number 3:
DRIVING, insanley high. now your tweeking.
Bad choice number 4:
tweeking about your best friends. Shh, its fine. just concentrate on whats most important right now, if theres problems...it'll get figured out in time. don't rush things. breath, and think.
Bad choice number 5:
letting the munchies get the best of you. >.< lol
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Good choice number 1:
talking to mark, ethan and nikk right away. They probably don't care but its important to know that things ae okay.
i really don't think theres any. and that one...^^^^^...is just me feeling sorry for myself. i think. :
waiting for my phone, nightt
over reactting and taking my emotions out of drugs.
Bad choice number 2:
Smoking so much, JUST when i got out. sober up. :P
Bad choice number 3:
DRIVING, insanley high. now your tweeking.
Bad choice number 4:
tweeking about your best friends. Shh, its fine. just concentrate on whats most important right now, if theres problems...it'll get figured out in time. don't rush things. breath, and think.
Bad choice number 5:
letting the munchies get the best of you. >.< lol
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Good choice number 1:
talking to mark, ethan and nikk right away. They probably don't care but its important to know that things ae okay.
i really don't think theres any. and that one...^^^^^...is just me feeling sorry for myself. i think. :
waiting for my phone, nightt
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